Little Bit of Crazy

Bittersweet but without the sweetness...

2010-02-01T10:32:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here waiting for the phone to ring. I'm excited to hear his voice, but not to hear what he is going to say. This, I believe, is the hardest part of being a military wife.

For a week now, he has been at training. In my mind he has only been at training as if it were just a TDY (temporary duty assignment). Even though I knew better, it's been as if he would be coming right back home. This week has been handled pretty well. The kids did act up a bit but snapped out of it last night. I went along with everything and even got a lot done.

This phone call that I'm waiting for is the one where he says good-bye from his seat in the air plane taking him to his actual deployment. He will be in Qatar. No, it's not Iraq or Afghanistan and yes, he will be safer there and have more privileges. However, no matter how you look at it, he will be gone.

I really thought that by now I'd be better prepared for something like this. For goodness sake- I've been a military wife for close to nine years now. I've been through so many good-byes that I can no longer count them because I can't even remember all of them. I know all the ins and outs of the AF bases and exactly who to call in any crisis. Externally, I'm all ready to do this and get it over with. All my t's are crossed and my i's are dotted. Internally, I'm a roller coaster. I'm alright but lonely. I'm happy but sad he can't be here happy with us. I'm excited to fix up the house, but reluctant because he won't be here to do it with me.

I know that once he is there, settled, and working things will get easier. I'll pick myself up, get out of the house, and get all of my missions accomplished back here at home. It's just the way things go. I'm tougher than I seem, but that doesn't mean that I won't have moments like this during the months to follow. I'm a prior service, military wife- and very proud to be one. I love my husband and will continue to be here to support him through anything and everything that comes our way.

As for right now, though, I'm just waiting for that last call while he is still here in the United States. By the end of that bittersweet phone call, the sweetness will fade and he will be officially deployed. And I'll be here- waiting for that quick e-mail to let me know he is there and safe.

Where Am I???

2010-01-04T18:06:00.000-08:00

For the past few months, I have been giving my all at work. I would come home too exhausted to even move, skip lunch almost every day, and work way past when I was supposed to leave. So far, for my trouble, all I have gotten back was grief. Suprovisors gave me a hard time, co-workers yelled at me for things that were not in my control (about 5 co-workers, actually), and to top it all off someone stole $1,900.00 from the book fair money. The school did not want to mess with it and report the theft, so whoever did it is probably laughing now. It didn't matter to the school that the money would have to come from my budget and would take away from the kids' learning experience. I began to wonder if I could even go back and work at the school anymore.

Today was my first day back to work and I was completely dreading it. The hours, minutes, and seconds counted down; I felt trapped in a dead end. I woke up this morning, took my shower and got ready, kissed Jared and the kids goodbye, and left the house with the resolve to "just let it go".

The first thing I did when I got to the library was tear down the book fair signs and bulletin board decorations. Words just cannot express how amazing that felt! I spent about an hour making it look like the book fair never happened. Once everything from that week was gone and away, it was easier to breathe and I was able to move on with my work. I got all the books shelved, met with my reading block team, and completed all of the goals I had for the day. It surprised me that I was actually happy at work again. Sad, but it's true.

I've come up with a new resolution for the year. I will no longer work during lunch and will leave the second I'm supposed to. It worked pretty well for me today, so we'll see.

When I got home the kids ran up to me with hugs and kisses. They actually missed me! I cooked dinner and they ate ALL of it. They took baths without fussing and did what I told them to do. Then they went to bed without problems.

Where am I?!?!?!?!?!?

I would have been completely confused if it hadn't been for one simple thing...

I still have to clean up after dinner. LOL ;)

Hope you all had as great of a day as I did!

xoxo

Loving The View...

2010-01-03T15:27:00.000-08:00

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Each day that passes is an opportunity for me to learn something about myself, the world, and my place in the world. Every new year, I get to look back at the collage of past learning experiences that I've been lucky enough to have. The year of 2009 was not an easy year by any means, but I have learned so much. So many things happened in 2009 to show me that 2010 can only be better. Here's an overview of "my 2009":

The start of 2009 was a bit shaky to say the least. We were extremely grateful and happy that Jared came home from Korea in time for the holidays. However, we did not realize the reunion would be as rough as it was. It was really hard for me to change gears from being the one who had to be in charge of everything to being a partner again. Chloe was holding a grudge against Jared for being gone and would not give him the time of day (unless the time was full of attitude). Josh was super sensitive (and in many ways still is) and would freak out every time Jared left, wondering if he would really come right back home. Poor Jared was tossed into the middle of all the chaos of family life again after being on his own for so long. It was an adjustment, but we are better than ever now and have a stronger marriage because of all of that craziness.

When Jared came back, I was still majorly in mourning over my puppy, Jack. A child that I was nice enough to watch for a struggling single mom had hit the puppy with a stick and to make a long story short the puppy died in my arms. All of that happened while Jared was away, but when he came back I was still the one being sued by the Humane Society for animal cruelty. So, on top of the mourning, the readjustment issues, and craziness- we then had a lawyer bill that was getting bigger by the second. Luckily within the next couple of months my lawsuit was dropped after they saw how devastated I was and what kind of a person I am. It didn't hurt that the Humane Society was then getting sued for putting dogs to sleep that didn't need to be put down. And this is why every time we pass the Humane Society I make a nice little gesture to show them how much I care. ;)

After the lawsuit was dropped, life started getting MUCH better. One of the best things to happen last year was when my friends Shannon and Danny got married. I got to go to the wedding and be a part of their special day. I'm so glad that everything went perfectly and that they are so happily married.

Josh was in 1st grade to start the year and I volunteered at the school every day. Chloe was my little sidekick that year, helping out and pretty much going through 1st grade too. It was great for all of us. I got to know Tara and Shannon, help the kids that needed it, and watch both of my kids completely blossom before my eyes. I'm grateful to both Tara and Shannon for the wonders they worked with my kids... and now that Josh is in 2nd grade, Shannon is his teacher and continues to be an amazing presence in his life. And Chloe's too, of course. Now Chloe is in Kindergarten and is too smart for her own good (but that's nothing new).

From volunteering at the school so much, when I told the principal that I needed her to be a reference so I could get a job at another school she told me that she would rather I work for her at Bricker. I immediately jumped on the offer with a big, "YES!" Now, I'm a librarian and a reading co-teacher. I'm grateful that I got to continue working with the kids from the beginning of 2009- and all the other kids in the school. I love my job because I love all of the kids. I even dyed my hair blue for them when they reached their goal at the book fair. :)

Many things happened in 2009, but really there were two things that happened that shaped me the most and will from now on have a huge impact on the way that I live my life. They don't seem like good things on the surface, but I assure you that they are.

In the very beginning of August, my Papa passed away. The amazing man that held my family together so long finally went to Heaven to be at peace. Papa had been fighting cancer for as long as I can remember. Even though the cancer finally took over his body, I honestly believe with all my heart that he won the battle. Yes, he beat the cancer. No, he didn't make it into remission for long, and he didn't die cancer free. However, he lived with dignity, strength, courage, honesty, and an unshakable faith. He will forever be immortalized in my heart and by the way we carry on the things that he taught us. It was a hard Christmas. Jared had to run to the store late at night to get new lights for the tree because our tree looked just like Papa's and I couldn't take it. No matter how many weak moments that I have, like the one I just mentioned, I feel him with me. I remember the sound of his voice, the lessons he taught me, and the look on his face when he told me he loved me (and when he told me I was doing the wrong thing). As he was when he was living, Papa is my guiding angel. He is no longer in pain. He is in Heaven with the angels, looking down on us and can maybe now understand just how much I love him. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Right before 2009 ended, something happened that will change so many things forever. I cannot talk about it yet, because of many reasons that I cannot say. What I can say, is that now I know the truth about certain things, I can finally move on. I do not have to worry about not being accepted or anything even remotely like that. I feel stronger, more confident in who I am, and a sweet resolve about the choices I made for my life. For once, I will not be the one crawling back to seek approval that I've just learned is impossible to ever achieve. I feel free, for once, to live my life and completely like who I am.

So, in a nutshell, that was "my 2009" and why I am so glad to leave that year behind.

I fully believe that 2010 will hold amazing things for myself and my little family. Chloe will be turning 6 in a few weeks, Josh will be turning 8 this year, and Jared and I will be celebrating our 9th anniversary in April. We are anxiously awaiting the results for the Coast Guard commissioning board to see if Jared has been accepted into the USCG. Either way, we will be saying good-bye to the USAF and good riddance. We've been doing this for almost 10 years- we know what we're doing... no need to be worried. :) Also, either way, we may be moving this year. If Jared gets into the USCG, we will move wherever they send us. If not, we'll go where the best job offer for Jared takes us. I will be taking college courses on line and also a college reality-Spanish course starting in February at a local school. The kids are getting big and I fully expect lots of shenanigans that you will hear all about.

So, Happy New Year to everyone! So many good things are just around the corner. Enjoy the ride... I know I will! :)

xoxo

Living with Fibromyalgia...

2009-07-23T13:53:00.000-07:00

Fibromyalgia is a "pain condition" or "nerve disorder" where you feel pain in certain areas all over your body. The pain will decrease and increase but it will not go away. Most of my flare ups come when it is going to rain or when I am stressed. Not so stressed today, so I bet that by tomorrow morning we will have ourselves a storm. Along with Fibromyalgia comes what we lovingly (yeah right) call Fibro Fog. It is like walking around in a daze all day with your mind all foggy and you won't remember mostly anything that you do unless you write it down... so if I repeat stuff in this blog please bare with me.

When I was first diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, it was a new condition that most doctors did not believe existed. If I went to the doctor he would tell me that it was all in my head and that there was no way he would give me any pain killers. Not once did I go into the doctor's office looking for meds... just alternate ways to make it so I could play with, bathe, and take care of my kids better. It broke my heart every time I was hurting too much to give Josh or Chloe a bath and to hear them laughing and playing in the water with Jared when it should have been with me. As I said before, flare-ups are especially horrible when it rains and because of that I can predict the weather pretty well now. Jared is amazed by it. When the weather channel predicts rain, Jared asks me if it is true. About 90% of the time I'm right!

Now there are so many people diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and so many resources that it is amazing. We sure have come a long way from when I first was told that I had it. There are actual FDA approved medications for Fibromyalgia now.

There is no set way on how to get Fibromyalgia or to really pin point where and when you came down with it. It doesn't ever go away either. It's just one of those things that you learn to live with and are grateful for the good days. I do have my theories on how I came to have Fibro though...

Actually, sometimes I think that God was looking down and saw that I was lacking in the sense of humor department. To force me to fix this, he sent me my son and Fibromyalgia on the same day. It worked. And that is one thing that I am actually glad about from the whole Fibro situation. If you can find a way to laugh about it, it becomes a lot more tolerable. For example: When my fingers and hands finally do get stuck in weird positions we all take turns guessing what they look like... or we turn off the lights, get out the flashlights and everyone makes weird shapes with their hands to see how the shadows turn out so funny. It is a family event - we pop popcorn and everything! It is my coping mechanism... and it works.

My saving grace is that Jared can make me laugh about it. No matter how bad things get with the Fibro and how upset I get that I can't play with the kids the way I want to, he can always make me see it in a funny way and giggle sometimes too. He is my support system, my shoulder to cry on, and my best friend all in one. And he is pretty darn funny too.

If you have Fibromyalgia or know someone who does, find ways to make jokes about it or to use the Fibro to find other ways of doing normal things. It is amazing how it will make you think out of the box. If you want to do something badly enough, the Fibromyalgia won't stop you from doing it. Just find another way of getting it done.

If you would like to learn more of the facts and find some support networks, here is the link to start with: http://www.fmaware.org/site/PageServer?pagename=fibromyalgia.

Also, since there are so many other places to look for information, I will share with you the holy grail of all Fibromyalgia books. It's called Fibromyalgia for Dummies. Sounds silly but I promise, it is the book I brought with me to all my doctor appointments to educate the doctors.

Good luck and feel well!

The Wife That Cried Crib...

2009-07-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

Another golden oldie.. from 2006 this time. But, none the less, one of my favorites.

It was around 2pm central standard time when I heard it. I was in my livingroom, minding my own business while watching General Hospital (of course). All of a sudden, out of Chloe's room I hear a shrill scream and a tiny voice say "I'm stuck! Get Daddy!".

I ran into Chloe's room to find that her leg was stuck in the crib slats. Apparently it had been there a while because it was swollen and turning purple. I tried everything to push her leg back through, but it was too swollen and twisted. I found some veggetable oil and tried that. No such luck. I tried wiggling her leg down to the mattress to see if that side was wider so the leg would slip out. No such luck. So, naturally, I call for Jared.

I couldn't get hold of Jared so I called my Mom. She's all the way in NY, but I thought that maybe she could "talk me down". Mom suggested that I cut the bar with a saw, but I didn't have one. I got off the phone with my mom to call 911, but figured I would give Jared one more shot. Finally, Jared answered the phone and told me not to do anything and that he would be right there. I believe the reason he gave to come home was: "Chloe is stuck in the crib and Jenn's about to start busting the furniture apart to get her out. I don't think I'll be back today.".

To sum it up- All Jared had to do was lift her up and back. Her leg slid right out. I tried that already... and now I will no longer be the wife that cried 'popcorn cornels', but the wife that cried 'crib'.

My children should have come with warning labels...

2009-07-23T12:18:00.000-07:00

I gave birth to both of my children normally. They both popped out in record time and right after I was able to take a shower and kick back in the hospital bed quite peacefully. When the nurse brought each child to my room for the first time we looked the baby over from head to toe. There were 5 fingers on each tiny hand and 5 toes on each adorable foot. They looked to be all intact- nothing missing. It is now that I have figured out what I should have really been looking for- a warning label.

The following warnings should have been on this very long label covering the baby's entire back (I will specify which child):

1) Warning: Child will roll over and crawl early and learn to use all electronics by the age of 9 months. (Josh)

2) Warning: When asked to do something, child will look at you as if you have lost your mind and do the opposite while giving you an overly aggravated and defiant look. This look will later become known as "the hairy eyeball". (Both- though Chloe has mastered the art of the hairy eyeball.)

3) Warning: Child may wear down your sanity until you are hanging on by a thread, hug you to make you feel relieved, and when you are finally relaxed... shove drumsticks up the dog's hind end. (Josh- though Chloe has tried)

4) Warning: Child will look sweet and innocent, but do not underestimate child at any time. Doing so could be disastrous! (Both)

5) Warning: Child will do everything they can to test your limits, make you go over the edge and diminish your sanity... but when all is said and done, you will look at your child sleeping in your arms and know these things: You love this child with all your heart, your child loves and depends on you with all their being, and that you would never ever want to spend a single day without being their parent ever again.

I love my kids with all my heart. Sometimes they make me laugh and other times I want to cry. However, no matter how many warnings belong printed on their backs to keep me sane I would never change them even a tiny bit!!!

Mommy loves you Chloe and Josh. You are and always will be my inspiration in life!

QUACK!!! Goes the Chloe...

2009-07-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

There are times in our lives where everything seems to fall right into place and when everything runs smoothly. Those times are to be cherrished... because around here they are rare. Not that I'm complaining- I love our wacky routine with all the ups and downs and chaos and sanity diminishing moments. I wouldn't change any of it for anything. And if your life is too boring or put together- just let me know and I will lend you Chloe!

Now, I know that children can say and do the funniest and weirdest stuff... but I think my Chloe takes the cake. I know that most of you have heard me call my kids "weird", "nutsos", and many other things along those lines as terms of endearment. You should be cautioned, however, that no matter how endearing those terms are meant to be... they are 100% factual. For the purposes of this blog and to keep it shorter than a novel, I will only use Chloe as an example and leave many many many things out. Enjoy the lesson-

I guess it must have started when I was younger and decided to drive my parents so crazy that my dad decided to make his wish for me to have a daughter exactly like me. Well, God remembered his wish and decided to grant it- hence Chloe.

I believe that the first weird thing that she ever did was to decide that she loved to lick people- especially on their feet. For the longest time we had to watch where she was crawling and keep our feet up so we would not get licked. It made for an interesting ice breaker when we had company- that's for sure! Then she decided that she no longer wanted to wear clothes- which is normal for a little kid- but that she did want to put stickers in certain places. Needless to say we had to hide the stickers. The no clothes thing became more interesting when we went shopping, usually at Walmart (our home away from home as my mom likes to put it). Chloe would be sitting in the seat at the front of the cart with her legs in the holes while we shopped and if we took our eyes off of her, she would be completely naked and we would have to search the store for all her clothes. Unfortunately, when she got older she decided to tell anyone who would listen to her while we were shopping "my mommy beats me", which could have become a problem if people around here didn't know me so well.

Now, those are just some background stories.... here is the most recent.

My daughter moos and quacks. It started with the quacking at random times throughout the day. She would pretend she was a duck all the time and quack her answers. I thought it was really cute, but made her ask me in people's language (if I said english she would tell me that she was quacking in english). The quacking stopped for a week, and then the mooing began. So, now my daughter moos randomly at people and answers your questions mooing. However, if something scares her she will quack out of habbit as her first reaction.

The other night Jared and I made a deal that if he went to the gas station to get sodas and chapstick, I would iron his uniform. I got the ironing board out while Jared was putting on his shoes. By this time it was late at night and the kids had been in bed for quite a while. Jared and I were talking when I opened the ironing board up. The board made a horrible squealing creaking noise...and from Chloe's room came "QUACK!". We both laughed until it hurt to breathe.

So, there you have it. Part of my wacky, quacky world. It might not be as polished as some, but is suits us well. But if any of you tell me how bored you are while Jared is ever away- I'm sending Chloe to you. Fair warning!

Do you want to know why??

2009-07-22T14:53:00.000-07:00

Here is a story from back in January, which I thought would describe why my page is called Little Bit of Crazy... There are so many little bits of crazy in our days that it just seemed logical. Here is one small example:

"Do you want to know why?"

That seems like such a normal question. Really, think about how many times you are asked that in a day or a week. We probably don't even realize how many times we actually ask that question. I counted how many times I say it in one day... 7. Mostly I am asking the kids if they want to know why they need to do what I tell them to, but still it is a common question. It is a common question that I will forever laugh at and really think about saying "yes" to for the rest of my life.... thanks to Josh.

It was a typical night of hanging out, watching movies, and then tucking the kids into bed. I'm trying to catch up on the show Smallville before the show starts again, so Jared and I agreed to wait until the kids fell asleep and then go downstairs to watch it in the office. Just as we are about to get up to go watch it, we see Josh at the top of the stairs looking freaked out. We could not have prepared for what happened next with any of the parenting books the world has to offer.

As usual we asked him why on Earth he was out of bed and he replied that he was scared and, as we could see, freaked out. We then told him, as per usual, that there was nothing wrong with him and to get his bottom back in bed. Then it happened- he asked, "Do you want to know why??"

Jared and I looked at each other and as we rolled our eyes we answered, "Yes." Josh then told us- with a straight and terrified face- that since his bottom was hurting he put a paper towel in his boxers to make it feel better..... and that now it was gone. At first my only response was to wonder what the heck had gotten into that boy's mind and to laugh really hard. When Jared talked to the boy we found out that Josh thought that the paper towel had been sucked-up by his butt. Oh the laughter!!! We were hysterical. I couldn't breathe and it hurt so bad to laugh anymore but we just couldn't stop. Of course, the paper towel had fallen out of his underwear and I was just a bit horrified that there was a butt-towel on his floor.

From now on I will be thinking very carefully when I tell my kids that I want to know why they are doing something. I may just tell them to knock it off- but then again maybe it is best to know.

And so it goes- the first story of the year. And this entertaining segment has been brought to you by Josh. Gosh I love that kid!!!